Your never more careful about spending money, than when your in uni and living alone. Every penny counts.
No more frivolous spending on take away, hair appointment, going out friday, saturday, sunday night.
Nope..none of that.
Budget is the word that screams out at you..everytime you walk past a delicious booutique.
Like a mother pulling a child away kicking and screaming..you sadly look behind you..Budget yellls out your name.
Its not easy being in uni. Its depressing sometimes.
Sacrifices for study. Budgeting for bills.
Uni, is a place that although can be depressing something, is probably where youll make some of the lifetime friends, learn things you never knew before and leave with the fondest memmories and a little bit wiser.
Uni opens a gateway to the world, of knowledge, and life and everything that is amazing.
It allows you to grow, and learn, pursue your passion, and live out your desires.
I figure the sacrifices are completely worth it...i wouldnt have it any other way.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Language of love.
Love is kind. Love is blind, Love is a wish, its eternal bliss. Love is too magficant, words can't even begin to describe.
All love story's are quirky, wondrous, funny, romantic.. and finally magical.
This is our love story..a story we will hopefully tell our children one day.
I first met him in cupid's favourite month, February.
His name was Y, and i wasn't attracted to him at first..He was too forward, too certain, and too handsome for my liking....He came up to me out of nowhere...Announced his name, with pride and confidence and then told me, i was the one, and to meet his parents. Immediately, i stepped back, my mind sending waves of panic alarming through my head. My palms beginning to sweat, Immediately i stopped him, before he could arrange wedding plans for next week.
I remember my heart fluttering wildly in my chest, as i turned around, and closed the door. On his planss and his involvement in my life..
As the months changed, and heated summer romances fell down with the autumn leaves.
So too, did MrY tumble back into my life..a bold leaf, persistent to stay and not float away, with all the leaves, sneaky autum takes his way.
A simple Hi, is all he said.
And even though my head kept saying no..deep down, my heart knew, i was hooked. ;)
A sweet friendship is what my head kept telling me all it was..But love is a sweet mystry, and slowly that friendships transformed, into splendour, and laughter, and games, and talking for hours, and understanding.. and then..just like that...i realised i was in love.
Everytime i see Y my stomach flips, my heart races, my smiles stretches to size of a crescent moon and i cant seem to stop singing...
The thing with love is..is its unexpected, it comes in the most unexpected places, in the most unexpected ways..At first you might see someone, and not be interested at all...but you may remember something about them, their confidence, arrogance, smile.. or kiss..and you might not think it means anything..but maybe cupid has other plans..maybe the timing isn't right and hes just waiting for the wind to change..
I once heard this saying that The best thing in life is to love and to be loved.
I have never ever believed this true..until the moment i fell in love.
xo :)
Love really is too amazing to put in words, a feeling so incredible i wouldn't even know where to begin for fear it wouldnt hold the same appeal and emotion of it plants in my soul.
So ill leave you with this question ...What is love to you?
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Lemonade from Lemons.
The other day i was doing a spring clean for the beginning of september. Dusting and throwing things out, folding winter clothes and organising books for uni. I was cleaning under my bed, when i came across a box of old video tapes - recordings of me and my sisters when we were kids. I wasnt going to sit down and watch them, just place them in the box and continue cleaning, and then i began to wonder about what was on the tapes, and what life like before things suddenly got so busy, and i was planning things that where two years away...
and so i put on these tapes...
Watching these video of my sisters and i back then...I realised how young our minds were, how we often found joy in the simpliest things, and how beautiful and happy we were back then, lavishing in the bliss of life. An unsual feeling of nostalgia crept into the room, as i watched myself grow from being five to being 15....
On the tapes, i was filled with smiles and laughter - i always seemed to be the life of the party. And yet i remember not feeling like that at 15.
Throughout my highschool years, i always felt inadequate, awkard, lost. My mind was always in other worlds, the traveller in me longing to get out and explore. At school i had little friends, none of them understood me. None of the boys thought me pretty. And my teachers often commented that i was distracted, and a trouble maker on my reports.
My mum saw me differently..and i'm glad she did. I have often doubted myself, who i was, what i was good at, if i made a good impression, was i friendly, pretty, lovable..?
In my eyes i was none of these things..i felt inferiour to the world, a person outside the bubble bliss called life. Homemade videos capture moment of us...when were the most in our element...really being who we are. Watching these tapes..i realised..i always was who i am now. Zaina.
I was always a happy kid, full of smiles, pretty and bright as well.
I just never remembered myself as being this person, because i had let others taint the person i was.. i always took their criticism onboard, my self esteem lowered to an ants level.
Life is a gift. Too short not to enjoy. Our minds create feelings of anxiety and doubt and insecurities that stand in our way from living our life, being happy and worry free. At 15 i felt like i was never enjoying life, because of the emotions conjouring in my brain..and yet looking back, i'm glad my mum caught the moments of me enjoying life at that age. Watching these tapes in my louge room, tears welled in my eyes...not sad tears though..grateful tears.
I am grateful for my mum and her support through those years, and for having these tapes to allow me to remember the happy moments i had when i was 15.
It is a blessing to have people around, who see the inner child in you. the real person you are, admist all the emotions and hormones, swirling through your body. I have grown and benefited from the painful experence of being 15. But i have also realised my highschool years, weren't as painful and miserable as i thought they were.
and so i put on these tapes...
Watching these video of my sisters and i back then...I realised how young our minds were, how we often found joy in the simpliest things, and how beautiful and happy we were back then, lavishing in the bliss of life. An unsual feeling of nostalgia crept into the room, as i watched myself grow from being five to being 15....
On the tapes, i was filled with smiles and laughter - i always seemed to be the life of the party. And yet i remember not feeling like that at 15.
Throughout my highschool years, i always felt inadequate, awkard, lost. My mind was always in other worlds, the traveller in me longing to get out and explore. At school i had little friends, none of them understood me. None of the boys thought me pretty. And my teachers often commented that i was distracted, and a trouble maker on my reports.
My mum saw me differently..and i'm glad she did. I have often doubted myself, who i was, what i was good at, if i made a good impression, was i friendly, pretty, lovable..?
In my eyes i was none of these things..i felt inferiour to the world, a person outside the bubble bliss called life. Homemade videos capture moment of us...when were the most in our element...really being who we are. Watching these tapes..i realised..i always was who i am now. Zaina.
I was always a happy kid, full of smiles, pretty and bright as well.
I just never remembered myself as being this person, because i had let others taint the person i was.. i always took their criticism onboard, my self esteem lowered to an ants level.
Life is a gift. Too short not to enjoy. Our minds create feelings of anxiety and doubt and insecurities that stand in our way from living our life, being happy and worry free. At 15 i felt like i was never enjoying life, because of the emotions conjouring in my brain..and yet looking back, i'm glad my mum caught the moments of me enjoying life at that age. Watching these tapes in my louge room, tears welled in my eyes...not sad tears though..grateful tears.
I am grateful for my mum and her support through those years, and for having these tapes to allow me to remember the happy moments i had when i was 15.
It is a blessing to have people around, who see the inner child in you. the real person you are, admist all the emotions and hormones, swirling through your body. I have grown and benefited from the painful experence of being 15. But i have also realised my highschool years, weren't as painful and miserable as i thought they were.
Friday, September 4, 2009
No Doubt.
Doubt.
A quiet little malaise that sits the bottom of our hearts..usually quiet, until sparked and then alighted and then flaming in your body and enveloping your mind. It starts with a question...that is softly whispered at first..and then it grows louder..building distrust, uncertainty, lack of unsureness about that person you are. the life you lead. your reality. And then your ego starts to plummet..and suddenly life becomes a phenomenon of doubt..and you wonder and question and ponder about all you have ever know....
In society, people pick at this self-doubt sore until it becomes a open wound. A tactic i say. It conjours up deep felt insecurutues...that we all try to mask. I wanted to know why people do play on this flaw....So i asked a friend of mine, who was strong in spirit and free of doubt.
She said "Doubt exists in everyone. It's a fact of life. No one is ever 100% sure of themselves, even if they seem to be..they still have a little insecurity in them. ..people just raise their levels of confidence and lower their levels of doubt by putting down others, and playing on anothers self-doubt."
Later that day, i was reading the nytimes, and found an article that seemed to be causing quite a commotion. Some people belived it excellent, and others thought of it as rubbish. I wondered how this affected the writer, did this make her rethink her writing style..question what she had done wrong..doubt her talent..?
or was she resilient like a Foxglove, a buoyant, blooming flower..
I made a vow to myself that day, to eliminiate self-doubt out of my heart, and to keep my spirit strong, powerful and full of light, my new survival strategy to survive in this girl-eat-girl world.
Jump out of doubt.
Oh and i also found this, by sylvia plath, an adventurous and brazen poet.
" And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt."
- Sylvia Plath.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Love. Lose. Learn.
Virginia Wolf once said " I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time. It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past."
My friend S, was recently left by her 6-year partner. She came me, eyes red and puffy, tears bursting, heart aching. She was wounded, the saddness seeping out of her heart, invading every emotion in her body...She could not understand, how love could be so cruel, how men could be so cal less. Her grief lasted for 2 months, until she was finally confident enough to accept that things had ended. To celebrate her new found strength, we had lunch, were she talked to me about the high and lows of their affair, and how their relationship had slowly deteriorated.
"Looking back on the whole, thing, it seems it wasnt all roses and smiles, as it seemed to be to me at first..This handsome man walked into my life, and i feel in love, or did i...Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe it was just a brief moment of vanity. "
The truth is, often we dont see things as they are until the moment becomes the present, and you have time to ponder on the events, and reframe your emotions, or understand them more clearly. The hardest thing for people to do, is develop emotions...real emotions about things....It seems it is much easier, to follow the ritual of being infatuated in love.
As Virgina says, the past is powerful, and also beautiful thing. It a teacher for the present, and a lesson for the future.
looking back on love.
xx zee :]
My friend S, was recently left by her 6-year partner. She came me, eyes red and puffy, tears bursting, heart aching. She was wounded, the saddness seeping out of her heart, invading every emotion in her body...She could not understand, how love could be so cruel, how men could be so cal less. Her grief lasted for 2 months, until she was finally confident enough to accept that things had ended. To celebrate her new found strength, we had lunch, were she talked to me about the high and lows of their affair, and how their relationship had slowly deteriorated.
"Looking back on the whole, thing, it seems it wasnt all roses and smiles, as it seemed to be to me at first..This handsome man walked into my life, and i feel in love, or did i...Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe it was just a brief moment of vanity. "
The truth is, often we dont see things as they are until the moment becomes the present, and you have time to ponder on the events, and reframe your emotions, or understand them more clearly. The hardest thing for people to do, is develop emotions...real emotions about things....It seems it is much easier, to follow the ritual of being infatuated in love.
As Virgina says, the past is powerful, and also beautiful thing. It a teacher for the present, and a lesson for the future.
looking back on love.
xx zee :]
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
the dilemma of uniqueness.
Uniqueness is a dangerous word. Perched up high on a pedistool, it is the Paris Hilton of all words, demanding attention, it burdens us humans with great expectations.
The strange thing is, us humans crave to be unique, and yet also need to feel belonged, in a group or click, which in turn challenges the concept of uniquenes. Walking through the city at 10am, the words, group and unique, swirl and tumble in the air. The city showcases people of all kinds - business men, corporate chicks, emo, artists, singers, writers, all pieces of fitting into their puzzle. You see, the problem with uniqueness, is it isloates a person, excludes them from society, a unique person has no group, it is only them that exists, because they are special, different..............unique.
The thing is, it must be exhausting being unique...Having to constantly reinvent yourself, so that you are the only one, of your kind. There is noone to relate to, noone to discuss things one has in common, noone to laugh and plot and dream with, because of this thing called uniquness, pretentiously perched on top of your head. These days, everyone is trying to be "unique" the huge expectation of being "one of a kind" grows in humans like a parasite...so much people start becoming extreme....Dying their hairs electric blue...wearing free-loving clothes from the 60's...developing queer habits and doing outrageous things out of their element....Maybe if i change who i am, who i was...maybe then i can be truly unique...they all start to think...except it doesnt make you unique...it makes everyone all the same, and so people become desperate, dangling up high, and holding on with both hands, to this concept of uniqueness...isolating themselves from the world. A lonely life is must be, being unique.
How nice it must be nice, to be un-unique. A weight lifted off your shoulders, you can finally relax..there is no pressure to constantly be on the alert, checking if your style has been copied, devising plans to re-unique yourself...instead you can rejoice in the things you have in common with people, and share ideas, passions, styles and thoughts...
Emma Watson a collector, once said, "Collectively we shine" and in doing so, we find ourselves inside. :)
The strange thing is, us humans crave to be unique, and yet also need to feel belonged, in a group or click, which in turn challenges the concept of uniquenes. Walking through the city at 10am, the words, group and unique, swirl and tumble in the air. The city showcases people of all kinds - business men, corporate chicks, emo, artists, singers, writers, all pieces of fitting into their puzzle. You see, the problem with uniqueness, is it isloates a person, excludes them from society, a unique person has no group, it is only them that exists, because they are special, different..............unique.
The thing is, it must be exhausting being unique...Having to constantly reinvent yourself, so that you are the only one, of your kind. There is noone to relate to, noone to discuss things one has in common, noone to laugh and plot and dream with, because of this thing called uniquness, pretentiously perched on top of your head. These days, everyone is trying to be "unique" the huge expectation of being "one of a kind" grows in humans like a parasite...so much people start becoming extreme....Dying their hairs electric blue...wearing free-loving clothes from the 60's...developing queer habits and doing outrageous things out of their element....Maybe if i change who i am, who i was...maybe then i can be truly unique...they all start to think...except it doesnt make you unique...it makes everyone all the same, and so people become desperate, dangling up high, and holding on with both hands, to this concept of uniqueness...isolating themselves from the world. A lonely life is must be, being unique.
How nice it must be nice, to be un-unique. A weight lifted off your shoulders, you can finally relax..there is no pressure to constantly be on the alert, checking if your style has been copied, devising plans to re-unique yourself...instead you can rejoice in the things you have in common with people, and share ideas, passions, styles and thoughts...
Emma Watson a collector, once said, "Collectively we shine" and in doing so, we find ourselves inside. :)
Celebrate sharing your colour in this universe.
xx Zee
Monday, August 31, 2009
Inner Essence.
Tonight i am vowing to re-invent myself.
I want to focus more, get better grades, live more, laugh more, flirt more, write more, procrastinate less, do more, and start blogging again.
:)
watch me grow, the world is my oyster.
:)
I want to focus more, get better grades, live more, laugh more, flirt more, write more, procrastinate less, do more, and start blogging again.
:)
watch me grow, the world is my oyster.
:)
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