Lemonade from Lemons.

The other day i was doing a spring clean for the beginning of september. Dusting and throwing things out, folding winter clothes and organising books for uni. I was cleaning under my bed, when i came across a box of old video tapes - recordings of me and my sisters when we were kids. I wasnt going to sit down and watch them, just place them in the box and continue cleaning, and then i began to wonder about what was on the tapes, and what life like before things suddenly got so busy, and i was planning things that where two years away...
and so i put on these tapes...

Watching these video of my sisters and i back then...I realised how young our minds were, how we often found joy in the simpliest things, and how beautiful and happy we were back then, lavishing in the bliss of life. An unsual feeling of nostalgia crept into the room, as i watched myself grow from being five to being 15....

On the tapes, i was filled with smiles and laughter - i always seemed to be the life of the party. And yet i remember not feeling like that at 15.

Throughout my highschool years, i always felt inadequate, awkard, lost. My mind was always in other worlds, the traveller in me longing to get out and explore. At school i had little friends, none of them understood me. None of the boys thought me pretty. And my teachers often commented that i was distracted, and a trouble maker on my reports.

My mum saw me differently..and i'm glad she did. I have often doubted myself, who i was, what i was good at, if i made a good impression, was i friendly, pretty, lovable..?

In my eyes i was none of these things..i felt inferiour to the world, a person outside the bubble bliss called life. Homemade videos capture moment of us...when were the most in our element...really being who we are. Watching these tapes..i realised..i always was who i am now. Zaina.

I was always a happy kid, full of smiles, pretty and bright as well.
I just never remembered myself as being this person, because i had let others taint the person i was.. i always took their criticism onboard, my self esteem lowered to an ants level.

Life is a gift. Too short not to enjoy. Our minds create feelings of anxiety and doubt and insecurities that stand in our way from living our life, being happy and worry free. At 15 i felt like i was never enjoying life, because of the emotions conjouring in my brain..and yet looking back, i'm glad my mum caught the moments of me enjoying life at that age. Watching these tapes in my louge room, tears welled in my eyes...not sad tears though..grateful tears.

I am grateful for my mum and her support through those years, and for having these tapes to allow me to remember the happy moments i had when i was 15.
It is a blessing to have people around, who see the inner child in you. the real person you are, admist all the emotions and hormones, swirling through your body. I have grown and benefited from the painful experence of being 15. But i have also realised my highschool years, weren't as painful and miserable as i thought they were.